Free Translation: It will screw you over 99.9% of the time.

Hola,

I have been in this country cleaning for 3 years flats and vomiting of students in schools of elementary education. I am a head and large capable with body and willing to do any takes to obtain the done work. I am organized, dependable and I have a lot of experience that clean cabinets and flats that scrub. I have my green card and a true direction and I am a quick one to be citizen U.S. Entrevísteme please to see that I am the best person to get this opportunity. Gracias

Manuel

ALWAYS proofread....roommates love the "auto-correct" function

To Whom It May Concern:



My name is Jason Winterbottom and penis! feel that penis! would be a great addition to your company. penis! have significant experience in both dairy sales and dairy management, and have been involved in the dairy business since graduating from the School of Agriculture and Life Sciences at Pennsylvania State University.



penis! grew up in upstate New York on a beef cattle farm, so penis! have plenty of experience with bovine and my current roommate is an assistant manager at the Diary Barn wholesale supplier in Wilkes-Barre. He recommended penis! contact Bartleby Bros. Diary, as he was a former Director of distribution with your company before relocating to the Wilkes-Barre Dairy Barn. Thank you for your time and penis! look forward to hearing back from you.



Sincerely,



Jason Winterbottom

it's a door

Dear Sir or Madam,

I recently read your advertisement on Craigslist for a door repair person and installation technician. As I did not read the actual body of your job description, I am not fully aware of what the job entails. However, I feel I would be an excellent addition to your company given my background in walking through doors my entire life, both metaphoric and French. Unfortunately, I would be submitting a lie if I were to tell you that I am physically fit, able bodied, or capable of such things like fixing doors. However, I’d like to add that were there ever a problem that needed repair in my home, I would quickly flip open the yellow pages to find a man to do the job for me. This I feel shows great initiative. Now, I am flipping open my life yellow pages to a new section; a section I entitle “moving out of my parents basement.” And what do I see when I open to that section? I see a picture of your door company, with my face right next to it, and then a 3.5/5 star rating.

I think it’s fate,

Remlo Sparfinson

only one apparent skill: bringin down da house

To who it may concern,

My name is Bobby Mgee. I’m as fast and quick as can be. I think on my feet and give twice as much leet if you hire you’ll find your desire. I can rhyme anytime with my tongue or a rhyme and your job is what is on my mind. Let me know if you like and I’ll be there no hike just hire and find your desire. Left handed no worries, wonton soup, no flurries, I am the man for the job.

Thnak you,

Robert Mgee Levinson

Overqualified?

Mr. Mcdonald,

This morning, I read your Craigslist post with a mixture of irritability and butterflies, previously felt only after eating bad chinese food and kissing the girl of my dreams. When I saw that you were looking for people to install “Cubicles and Office Walls,” these butterflies soared up my throat, fluttering through my brain in a raucous delirium of trepidation and anticipation. I am your cubicle builder. A history major by choice, graduating from the University of Pennsylvania, I am currently employed looking under my family’s furniture cushions for change. While I am not willing to give up this lucrative job, I will gladly shift the hours, so that I might build office walls for companies which have refused to hire me. My past experience in closely related fields includes bussing tables and working as an Archival Intern specializing in 18th Century Charleston. I am ready to start today, and I hope that, in building these walls, we can tear down the other walls currently standing between me and any modicum of success.

Manicly Yours,

Walden McRison

A Georgia Applicant Makes A Plea

To the fine people of Matcop Tools Distributorship:

Upon discovering your advertisement on craigslist.com, I thought long and hard about not only what Matcop Tools Distrubtorship has to offer me, but what I have to offer Matcop Tools Distrubutorship. After this thought process, I came to the realization that we really have nothing to offer one another. Is distributorship really a word? Lets break it down. Distribute: to give things out sort of. Or: the first thing, but maybe this second thing. Ship: a large boat with sails. Seeing that I have no background in giving, I tend to be very indecisive, and I never got my boater’s license, I don’t think Matcop is the place for me. However, I am practicing interviewing for companies so please accept this as my application for employment.

Namaste,

Gwen

At Least We're Trying

Dear job-1046187184@craigslist.org,

Tonight, I should have been watching the Academy Awards. However, since they did not show clips of any of the Best Actor/Actress Categories, I quickly turned them off and read the craigslist job section instead. Your posting, wanting to pay an accountant $50 to interview him/her for your podcast caught my one working eye. While I am not an accountant (I lack both an MBA and a CPA), I have watched Wall Street and Jerry Maguire. Both of those movies were about accountants, vaguely. I also don’t balance my checkbook, although I am in close contact with my bank about overdraft notices. Perhaps, on your podcast, we could discuss whether or not my debt will continue to exist if Bank of America goes under or is nationalized. As someone who took a history degree, I am also intimately familiar with the Great Depression. We could discuss this, too, as long as you have a sense of humor and the IQ of a goldfish, since I will be lying the entire time. In sum, I think I could be the interview that you need to break into that rarefied stratosphere of podcasts to which people actually listen. Please help me out, I’m a-counting on this!

Sincerely yours,

Amerton Pinkerton

tough love

[submitted by a couple in Missouri]

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am writing to tell you that I do not want to keep doing my chores for you unless you are going to pay me. I do not think it is fair that Suzie gets an allowance and I don’t. You said when I was old enough I would get allowance but now I am a slave. When are you going to tell me that all I get to eat is porridge? This week I cleaned my room, kept my bathroom clean, brushed my teeth every night and stopped eating chalk. All my friends get allowance and how else am I supposed to save up for a iDog that plays high school musical songs? Starting next chore, I will be stopping all work until you give one dollar per chore or an invisibility cloak.

Love,

Karen

[age 10]

New In Town

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing in response to your newspaper posting about an open call for your “American Apparel” store in Santa Clarita. I recently became a member of the California “elite” if you will and you bet your right arm I have changed dramatically since moving out here. After graduating from Bard in upstate New York with solid grades, I thought that it was cool to wear all dark clothing and pretend to be bi-curious. However, after moving to California, and following the trends of your store, I have discovered the true meaning of fashion. Pretending to be someone I'm not is now a thing of the past. Now I can pretend that I don’t care, that I do care, and that I am cold, all with the same outfit. “A scarf in the summer?” “Brilliant!” I thought. “Sunglasses that don’t do anything? Are you kidding me?!” I said. What I’m trying to say is, I am willing to conform with whatever mindless and unreasonable thought process society presents me with, and that is why I would fit in perfectly with the American Apparel outfitters. Just to show that I care, I went into your store just last week and bought a pair of pants that I will never fit into, and a weird checkered hoody with a dragon on it that I hate. I am wearing them right now.

Desperately Seeking Approval,

Leslie

Stanley Kubrick

To the manager of Lacrosse Skills Warehouse,

My name is Johan Supp. I played long - stick midfielder on a fairly mediocre high school lacrosse team; if you didn’t have a kid playing in the game, you probably won’t remember me. I am a graduate of University of Texas, Austin. I was a History major, as well as an honors student. My thesis was on “Kiss of the Tongue: The Female Orgasm in Nietzche’s Works.” I recently read your Craigslist post looking for someone to film lacrosse games. Even though I was recently told by my father, a multiple emmy award winning director of photography, that I have no eye for the camera, I really feel that I could film young kids running around with sticks. Please give me this chance. I need money so badly for my leg amputation. Yours desperately,

Johan Supp

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing in response to your recently posted ad for a Printshop Supervisor for your in house print department. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this seems like the kind of job that literally requires no experience, personality or drive. Lacking all three of these traits, I feel as though I am the perfect candidate for your job. My parents and past employers refer to me as “that bland guy that stands behind the counter at kinkos” and my girlfriends look at me weird at the dinner table when I tell them “I will be with them in a moment.” I feel like my entire life has been built up for me to become a printshop supervisor. If you feel the same way, please feel free to call my land line at [111-1111] for a phone interview.

Bored and waiting,

JM

Ms. Bragette,

I recently read your job posting for a parking lot attendant in the Annapolis Capital. I feel that I am uniquely suited to this job. I grew up sailing, watching the sparkling waters of the Chesapeake Bay slip by me in a sudden rush of motion. Now I want nothing more than to grant parking lot priveleges to patrons of the Annapolis Yacht Club. They have experienced the same beauty that I felt, once upon a time. Let me grant admission to these peoples’ shimmering sports cars, so that I may recall the beauty of my innocent youth. I want nothing more than to “raise the gate” on my future career as a parking lot attendant.

Yours respectfully,

Alden Pankerton

Dear Leahy’s Bakery Manager,

I read your advertisement in the Annapolis Capital for a donut fryer with unrestrained glee. “Finally,” I thought, “A job that fits my college major and skillset.” I graduated from the University of Texas with degrees in History and Plan 2 Honors, a prestigious program that no one has heard of or cares about. As a history major, my area of specialty was post-colonial Britain; additionally, I wrote a thesis about strains of utilitarian individualism running through the middle class. While neither of these achievements has any bearing whatsoever on frying donuts, I still feel that they have prepared me well for working in your bakery. As a history major, I have become familiar with doing thankless work of a very dull nature while maintaining a professional demeanor and a chipper grin. I can tell our patrons about Britain’s crisis in the Falklands while I prepare a delectable, savory pastry which fulfills their caloric needs and my spiritual requirements as well. So what do you say? I hope you are ready for a donut fryer who brings his own elbow grease and is ready to make some dough!

Thanks so much,

Audren Platterton

To Whom It May Concern:



I am writing in response to your “WORRIED?!?!! ANXIOUS?!?!?” posting on Craigslist. As I scrolled through the etcetera section of my current homepage, your add jumped out at me as a potential great opportunity. Not only am I worried and anxious, but suicidal and depressed. We can focus on the first two for now. If you pick me for your research group, you can rest assure that I will be there every day, rain or shine, on time and ready to participate. I warn you, however, when things (people) come near me, I am prone to snapping. I use the term “snapping” loosely unfortunately. My anxiety has turned me into quite the schizo maniac. I will not hesitate to throw a punch, kick, scream, or even bite my enemies. I refer to my victims as enemies because over the past 15 or 20 years, my anxiety has paved the way for me to gain an unyielding hatred for the human race. Please take my case seriously when considering participants for your study. Thank you, and have a pleasant day.



Sincerely,



Rock Manther

For Beginners...

To whom it may concern: 

I recently read your posting on blank.  Last year,  I graduated from blank with a major in blank and concentration in blank minorities.  I have a passion for blank and I feel it would fit right in with your goal to achieve a higher blank with your blanks.  I have blanked on several occasions and I feel that my experience blanking with cheese graders not only can contribute greatly to your blank, but also bring a fresh perspective on the blanking industry, especially with the kids! Please review my resume and feel free to contact me at your convenience for an interview. Thank you for your time and blank.

Sincerely,

Blank